By JACK GODBEY

Contributing columnist

It seems that man has always tried to make sense of the world around him. Scholars have debated issues back and forth to no avail. I personally have determined that the only thing for sure about the world is that it will often times make no sense at all. For example, have you ever wondered why hot dogs come in packs of 10 but hot dog buns come in packs of eight? What have we done to the bun people to make them want us to always be two buns short when we have a cookout? I think the undergarment industry is out to get us as well. Have you ever noticed that these items normally come in packs of three or six? The last time I checked there were 7 days in a week. I do not want to know what these people do on that seventh day. An even more perplexing thought is that pizza is an engineering marvel. The pizza industry takes a round pizza and fits it in a square box — then cuts the slices into triangle pieces. I did not realize that I would need to excel in geometry, just to eat a pizza. I went shopping the other day to purchase some new pants, and it occurred to me while I was there that we always say a pair of pants. To me, a pair refers to two but I only wanted to purchase one. It was quickly becoming an episode of Abbott and Costello. The Clerk said you want to purchase this pair? No, I only want one. This pair? No, only one. I finally gave in and said yes, I would like two. The Clerk gave me a look as if to say, “I don’t make enough money for this nonsense.” I put the pants in my buggy and saw a display of candy that was designated into small packages, and was labeled as fun size. That appeared odd to me. What is so fun about getting less candy? In fact, isn’t that the exact opposite of fun? I decided that I did not need the candy anyway. So, I maneuvered my way to the meat department, and realized that I didn’t understand what exactly chicken fingers are. Normally, chicken is labeled pretty straight forward, except for calling the leg a drumstick. Has anyone ever played the drums with a chicken leg? Well, maybe they have, the 80s was a wild time after all. Still, I understand breast and thigh and wing, and so on, but I have never seen a chicken with fingers, so I have no idea what I would be eating. These are not the only questions I think about. Why is it that when I buy lemonade it has imitation lemon flavoring, but when I buy furniture polish it says it contains real lemons? The same goes for dog food. It always says contains real meat when the meat I buy for me says contains additives. Shouldn’t that be switched? Why is it that we believe what we hear on TV, but will not believe that a wall has wet paint unless we touch it? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing? Why do 24 hour convenience stores have locks on the door? What is the point of wearing a thong? As these questions race into my mind, I realize that there is no clear answer and that maybe I need to find another hobby.

Jack Godbey is a resident of Danville and is a published author and historian.