Can two-ply toilet paper save the world?

Published 2:34 pm Tuesday, July 20, 2021

My wife and I decided to go for a drive in the country recently. It was such a beautiful day I decided to switch off the air conditioner and roll down the windows to let the wind blow through where my hair used to be.

Before long, my stomach was crying out to be fed so we pulled into a White Castle restaurant. I have always loved those little delicious bits of paradise but they have never liked me. After I swallowed a good half dozen of the burgers we hit the road towards home.

After a few miles were behind us, my stomach started to make some pretty strange noises and it felt like Hulk Hogan was body slamming Andre the Giant inside my stomach. I made a mad dash for home.

Have you ever noticed when you’re trying to get somewhere quickly every slow poke driver in the entire town is on the road at once, and every traffic light seems to turn red the minute you get close to it.

After speeding through the streets as if I were Dale Earnhardt Jr. we finally made it home. It was then that I began to ponder a question: What evil satanic person ever thought that making single ply toilet paper was a good idea?

I suppose we purchased the single ply back last year when toilet paper was as rare as hen’s teeth and we were glad to purchase what we could. However, those times are gone and now there is no godly reason to use such a product. Life is too short.

As my day went on, I continued to grumble about the one-ply and it was then that I reminded myself that one ply toilet paper is not the only crazy product out there.

I remember as a teenager I purchased combs that bragged as being unbreakable. Of course it was then my mission in life to break them and I usually did. I remember buying an item of clothing and it being labeled one size fits all. I don’t think so. Clearly they have no idea how much I love to eat.

You could go through my attic and most likely find all sorts of things from the 1980s that seemed like a good idea at the time. You would find my collection of Dukes of Hazzard action figures, my old Sony Walkman, my old denim jacket with a Def Leppard patch on the back and of course my Atari 2600 video game system.

These vintage items do more than litter up my attic. They remind me of how much happiness they brought to me back so long ago when the world made more sense. It seems that everywhere we turn today someone is upset about something or some politician is blaming another for the problems of the world.

I overheard a conversation the other day about how one political party was so horrible and another was sure to save the world. It has always been my philosophy that if you cannot name the mayor of your town or at least one of your state legislators then you have no business discussing anything the president does.

While I am not political in any form or fashion, I have determined that people may stay so upset because they may be working their way through their own stash of one ply toilet paper. It’s enough to make anyone upset.

Let’s work on outlawing the one ply and we will see the world become a happier place. It certainly couldn’t hurt.